Finding Faith

I watched a man die today. I have never seen death occur. I have seen those on the brink of death and I have seen those in which death has occurred, but I have never seen death in action. I went to ICU rounds this morning expecting to discuss the new admit intracranial hemorrhage patient...and eneded up finding God. While we were waiting for the ICU attending to make some phone calls for a possible transfer for the intracranial bleed patient, a nurse approached me and Ms. Resident. She asked us if we had ever seen anyone actively dieing. I replied that I had not, and she asked me to come with her. She led me into a 51yo man's room. He was lying in bed with his eyes open, but glazed over. Every 5 seconds he would inflate his lungs to their tidal volume with an irratic breath. I had seen this breathing before - my Nan had agonal breathing periods before she passed away. I had never seen agonal breathing to this degree. His respiratory rate was 18, his BP 78/52, HR 78, and O2 sat a horrible 68%. The nurse immediately left the room to call his next of kin - a sister working in DC. She could not make it back to the VAC. ICU rounds began and I positioned myself so that I could monitor his EKG out of the corner of my eye. About an hour into rounds, he started developing VPBs - irregular ventricular beats - a sign the heart was weakening. The family for the intracranial bleed patient arrived - so we let them have some time with that patient. Ms. Resident and I went back to the dying man's room. The nurses had turned the radio on and placed it by his head. They pulled his blinds open so he could see the sky. A little after 10, his heart rate started to decline rapidly, as well as his blood pressure. His BP was 42/22 and his heart rate 44. The nurse put her gloves on and went to stand by his side. She kept touching his shoulder, as if to let him know it was going to be ok. He stopped breathing and his heart rate continued to slow, until finally a flat line was seen on the monitor. I think it was this moment that I found faith...or rather it found me. The finality of his last breath scared me...and then, I felt calmer. I took comfort in knowing that he was no longer in pain and that perhaps he was really in a better place. The ICU attending walked up to the patient, listened for heart sounds and palpated for a pulse. He pronounced him at 10:05 and softly closed his eyes for him. For the first time the whole morning, his body looked at peace. I blinked back tears and walked out of the room. They drew the blinds and closed his door. I was emotionally drained. I found myself crying on the way home - reflecting on what I observed. I guess without faith, death really is final. I'm glad I found my faith before I lost it for good...